Meet 19 year old Kaitlyn
The year is 2012,
For a girl pursuing her life goals, hobbies, getting up on stage to perform in front of hundreds of people- you could say I held a smile well. Perhaps too well.
By this time in my life, the stage was not the only place I was acting. My life was crumbling and all I could do was dissociate, numb out with alcohol, pose for pictures with friends, and smile as if everything was okay and fun for years
I was facing dissociation, poor lack of judgement, terrible nutrition, a life long sentence of kidney problems and adrenal fatigue that would eventually kill me or make life a very painful ride, a pretty hefty drinking problem that was masked and normalized as a “college kid norm”, and slowly coping and rotting while attending classes everyday to become a substance abuse councilor
I got A’s in the classes, I could help anyone I worked with in my internships, however my sweet dissociated/ traumatized mind did anything I could to run away from the possibility of facing my own shit.
My life was an act, a show, a production to keep up with peoples perceptions about who I was trying to be. Not once did I stop to consider, Hey Kaitlyn .. you know if you start doing healthier things for yourself, the people who could & should be in your life may be able to find you? This was far fetched to me, as these were just the byproductduct of the root problem which was far from discovered by me yet.
This beautiful, brilliant, caring individual (younger me) was blindly and wildly codependent. She looked to other people to fill her with the “value” to be a good enough human; to “measure up” to the ideas everyone else held. Constant ignoring of my inner compass that was screaming “you are wayyy off course” followed by crippling anxiety made worse with boatloads of alcohol, antidepressantspressants and poor self care.
My goal with sharing this is to say, to everyone out there who feels hopeless; who has tried the conventional methods of mind and body healing and has not yet been successful: You are not alone and #thereishope in #integrativehealing #leafbest4last